We all have a purpose. Life reaches a new level of fulfillment once you find your purpose and I am grateful to say that I have found mine. My purpose is healing myself and others. I have reached the point in my self-healing journey to where I can pass on what I have learned to help others heal. That is what Manithreadstations means to me.

Let me take you back in time to the year 2020 around winter time. I was 24 and had just finally moved into my own place and was about to be the first person in my family to graduate college. Even with my accolades on paper, I felt utterly miserable, lonely and like a total failure. I was in a relationship with a man who regularly triggered me on purpose, because by his own confession, seeing me “stressed out” was “fun”. I have had gray hair since elementary school, so needless to say, stress has never been a stranger to me, more like an old friend who latched on and refused to let me go. My childhood set that precedence. Growing up in a narcissistic household, stress was pretty much a guarantee, like gaslighting, projecting, devaluing, discarding and who could forget the infamous love bombing? Growing up under these conditions programmed my subconscious for self-hatred, codependency, abandonment issues, attachment issues, self-worth issues, YOU NAMEEEE IT! Lol. At 24, I did some much-needed soul-searching and discovered that I did not love myself, in fact I didn’t even like myself. I internalized beliefs such as “unworthy of love”, “not good enough”, “undeserving of good things” and, “to be worthy of anyone’s time or attention I must constantly be self-sacrificing all while for nothing in return”. Safe to say that these subconscious beliefs programmed in childhood were the reason I found myself feeling miserable and alone. Okay, so I had now successfully identified the problem, now how was I supposed to solve it?

If I’m being honest, once I was able to accurately reflect and realize what beliefs were programming my subconscious mind and ultimately creating my reality, I felt a sense of hopelessness. Becoming consciously aware of my subconscious beliefs had me feeling fucked up beyond repair. I started to feel like I was entering a losing battle and I would never make it to the other side. I began to identify with the girl who never thought she was worthy of love so she filled her life with people incapable of loving her. That exact line of thinking formed a pretty strong victim complex. If you are unaware of the effect of internalizing a victim mindset, let me be the first to tell you, it ensures that you stay a victim by attracting people and experiences that will continue to leave you feeling victimized. Let me use an example from my own life to further illustrate my point. Growing up in a narcissistic household, I never felt loved. Used? Yes. Tolerated? Of course. But loved? Never. As a child, you don’t yet possess the critical thinking skills needed to objectively discern the cause and place blame accordingly, i.e. I was able to discern that my parents were simply incapable of giving genuine love, instead I internalized the belief that the reason they didn’t give it to me was because I did not deserve it. This belief programmed my subconscious to think, speak, and act as someone who deemed themselves unworthy of love and these thoughts, words, and actions created a reality for me in which none of the people close to me genuinely loved me for who I am.

My mind was a tangled web connected by self-limiting beliefs that were keeping me stuck in a never ending cycle of misery and loneliness and I was desperate to unravel it. I immediately immersed myself in affirmations, self-help books, and Psych2Go youtube videos. In moments, I found myself triggered from old childhood wounds sobbing on the bathroom floor like a dying walrus, I would take a deep breath and ask myself why I was so hurt over something relatively small? Everytime I asked myself that question I would find myself tracing the trigger back to some traumatic memory, usually that occurred in childhood. Once I found the root cause of my pain, I would remind myself that I am no longer a child and whatever circumstances were present back then are no longer present now. Furthermore, I would tell myself that whatever trauma I endured was NOT my fault and that I most certainly did NOT deserve it and I would give nothing but love and empathy to the version of me that was forced to endure said trauma. With this small practice I was able to pull myself out of emotional spirals that would usually last hours, if not days. Every time I was triggered was an opportunity to heal from some lingering trauma I was not consciously aware of and as I mentioned earlier, I was dating a man who regularly triggered me for his own amusement, so I was given a lot of opportunities to heal. *smiley emoji I like to think of that relationship as the catalyst responsible for the bulk of my healing. *heart emoji I also started to immerse myself in healing frequencies. I listened to them in the morning, at work, and when I was asleep. When I wasn’t listening to healing frequencies, it was affirmation and motivational videos. It might sound like an obsession, but you must understand, when I first became aware of my subconscious programming, it was scary. I was 100% programmed for self-hatred, self-isolation and self-abandonment. When I became aware of my programming the misery, loneliness and utter sense of failure I had consistently felt since childhood made so much sense. Because my programming was so toxic and so negative due to the significant amount of trauma I had endured, I knew that for me to get to the other side would take immense effort and call for a drastic change.

Reprogramming your subconscious is not easy. It’s a process and like all processes, it takes time. It is 100% possible, believe me, I’ve done it, but it is NOT easy. I want to be transparent about that. If you decide that you want to reprogram your subconscious and heal from your traumas, it will not happen by accident. When it inevitably occurs, you will be damn proud of yourself because you will be 100% certain that YOU did that. You will never be given the life of your dreams, but you can roll up your sleeves at any moment and start building it. You will need many tools in your toolbox to build your dream life, and they are all just as equally important. Affirmations, self-help books, motivational videos, boundaries, self-care practices, shadow work, self-reflection, high-vibe music, healing frequencies, and intentional messages are just some of the tools that you may utilize. When I first started trying to change my life and heal, I wasn’t yet aware of the power of the subconscious mind and how it learns. When I learned that, it was like I finally had the missing key needed to unlock the hidden door. I became hyper aware of any and every thing that my subconscious was being exposed to. Fun fact, your subconscious is always running, even when you are asleep.Think of it as a computer that never shuts down and is always collecting new data. Your subconscious is observing and absorbing everything around you.When you are attempting to reprogram your subconscious, it is very sensitive to the environments and messages it is subjected to. Luckily there is a plethora of videos out there to help whether its healing frequencies, affirmations, or motivational videos. There are a ton of movies and shows that can help you feel good and empowered and there’s no shortage of songs that can help program your subconscious for self-love and acceptance (cue Janelle Monae’s ‘Like That’). One area, however, where I found a shortage of positive messaging to help reprogram my subconscious was apparel. Initially I was surprised at the lack of options. Other than the generic ‘peace’ and ‘love’ tops available at any major retail store, there was a void of intentional messaging in brand apparel.

Manithreadstations is my attempt to fill that void. The messages on your clothing may seem small, but it’s actually the small messages that impact our subconscious. Manithreadstations was created with the intention of being another tool you can use to build your dream life. Every item is designed with a message intended to empower and uplift you and program your mind for health, happiness and abundance. May you wear these designs and feel good from the inside-out. Ase.